Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Matt's passing. Far more difficult than I expected. And it's not the date that's difficult as much as the days leading up to the date. When I go to sleep tonight it's impossible to not watch the clock, impossible to not think about the things leading up to the event, impossible to not think about the families, it's all so impossible....
Chantel, Matts wife, and the kids went camping at the same place that they last camped as a family. We so desperately wanted to join her and several other families, but the boys and Paul were scheduled to be out of town for the Junior Olympics.
I spent 2.5 hrs reading and agonizing over the final investigation report this morning. I had all kinds of things planned for the day, but I was woken by Charles, Pauls captain who sent me a text with the Contra Costa Times information, and what page to read. I jumped out of bed, put my coffee on and sat glued to my computer reading over the tragic details. My heart pounded as I read paragraph upon paragraph, worried that I might read something that would make all of my fears true. I was searching and digging and hoping that something I read would give some peace. And although much of it made my stomach cramp and my heart ache, I was able to find pieces that gave me peace... Paul and his fellow firefighters were briefed and given the full details of the report a couple months ago, and Paul explained to me to the best of his abilities what the report entailed, but it didn't compare to what I read...
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